she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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