Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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