In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
