So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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