im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
