Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
