hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
