I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
