call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
