Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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