you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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