Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
