If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize