I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
