I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
