Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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