you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
