I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
