Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
