How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
