I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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