I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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