I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
