Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
3 2 1 whiskey
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
