so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize