i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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