I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize