Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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