So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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