meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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