I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
