I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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