if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
