this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
