Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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