He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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