somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
