just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
