drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
