you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
