you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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