i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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