Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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