I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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