Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
