i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
