I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
