So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
