We won't sleep together?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
