My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
