I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
