from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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