wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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