So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
