I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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