i need an iv and a liver transplant
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
