So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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