new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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