I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
