Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
