We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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