What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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